Gratitude is a word that evokes curiosity and intrigue. Its easy to see gratitude on a person’s face after they bought their first home, a new car, getting into the college of their dreams. The look on a bride and groom’s face as they see each other for the first time on their special wedding day. There is an expectation, that gratitude should be expressed when one does something in an act of service for another or when a parent sacrifices for a child. But what about gratitude during a difficult season? One that is marked with pain, brokenness, a shattered heart, unknown if their hopes and dreams will come to pass. I knew a long time ago that I had an issue with gratitude. Life had served me many bitter, heartbreaking situations that left my heart hard. It was easy to be grateful when life was going exceptionally well, but when the tough seasons would come as they do for all of us. I found myself counting the past and cost as to why I didn’t deserve another ounce of pain. Hadn’t I been dealt enough? I was hyper focused on all the “bad,” all the injustice, all the times that someone wronged me. I would remember and focus on them over and over again. Soon what good was in a person or situation would fade or minimize and they or it no longer seemed to offer much value or purpose to me. It was the mercy and grace of God to allow a harder season then my hardened heart to happen in my life to not only bring about purpose and clarity but to call out in only a way He can do. The carefully crafted dark holes in my heart that needed repentance, healing and a surrendering cry to Him for change. I was super resistant. Naturally more bitterness arose inside me, with offense, anger, self-pity, doubt, hopelessness and the worst of them all fear. I was paralyzed in my pain. I was like a inconsolable child when they didn’t get their way. The digging and the revealing was so hard for me to see with my spiritual eyes. I no longer recognized myself and my joy seemed to be gone. I wanted out, and fast. And yet I watched as the time passed and continued and my soul continued to suffer while I wondered, will I ever receive this desire of my heart? Sounds so cruel doesn’t it? To the world it is, you should get what you want, when you want it. Whatever you desire is yours, just go for it. But God would not see it this way. He saw a deeper purpose to heal, restore, redeem, declare and build up character in me. His answer to my hearts cry was “yes, it was also including in My way, in My time, for My purpose and for your good. Last night was a culmination, a realization that the God of the Universe, The Great I AM loves me so much that He isn’t just going to bless me with children. He is going to use every single tear, every emotion, every deep soul pain and reveal His goodness to the world. The embracing of my pain and the continued walk despite some days I felt I could not go on, were intricately designed to bring honor to Him. When I surrendered and rested in His process my peace would return. As I took my first shot last night for IVF one word came to me for this entire season – Gratitude.

Jeremiah 30:19

From them will come songs of thanksgiving and the sound of rejoicing. I will add to their numbers, and they will not be decreased; I will bring them honor, and they will not be disdained.

Go ahead God redeem it all, I sit in awe with gratitude at Your love for me.

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